


Storge

by I_Shouldnt_Be_Here



Series: Love is known as... [4]
Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: A failed marriage and a successful one, Based on the types of love found in ancient Greek literature, M/M, Rajni features heavily in here, Romance, Storge means the love of a parent for their child or the love between siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:35:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24694615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Shouldnt_Be_Here/pseuds/I_Shouldnt_Be_Here
Summary: Aman and Rajni are an unlikely pair but siblings nonetheless. Rajni's take on Aman's life through two pivotal moments, an accidental coming out and his wedding to Kartik.Siblings stand up for each other, even when they don't understand each other.
Relationships: Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi
Series: Love is known as... [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764058
Comments: 19
Kudos: 36





	Storge

**Author's Note:**

> This work is written as two diary entries in first person.  
> Enjoy!

_ Rajni  _

_ 12th June, 2006 _

Dear diary,

You know what happened today? The best day of my life turned into one of the worst. 

I’ll tell you what happened from the beginning. You see, I was walking back home from school.* When I turned from the intersection, I saw Akash following me… Arre abhi tak toh library mei casually hi baat karte thhe, achaanak se peeche-peeche kyun aane laga?

_ (I saw Akash following me… Till now we were talking casually in the library, why is he following me?) _

(*Note- Monday ko Seema mam ki chair par paani giraana hai aur classroom ke saare chalk todh kar phenk dene hai, maths class kitni boring hai yaar!)

_ (*Note- I need to spill water over Seema mam’s chair, break all the chalks in the classroom and throw them away… Maths class is so boring, ya!) _

Ekdum kisi film ki heroine jaisa feel ho raha thha, koi ladka uske peeche-peeche aaye aur woh sharmaa kar bhaag jaaye. Waise bhaagne ka mann toh mera bhi kar raha thha, lekin nahi. Akash bahut handsome hai! Mai koi Sati-Savitri nahi hoon jo kisi ladke ko dekhkar saamne sei bhaag jaun...

_ (I felt like a movie heroine… As if I’d have a boy chase me and I would run away from him bashfully. Hmm, I wanted to run away, but I didn’t. Akash is so handsome! I’m not some chaste damsel who’d run away at the first suggestion of meeting a boy…) _

He came closer and closer, and I pretended not to notice him. He came near and pretended to bump against me. He smiled and I let out a snarky comment I don’t even remember. But we were so close! I think I wanted to get a rise out of him...Oh well, that did not happen. I winked at him, but I don’t think he noticed because I was wearing my goggles. I forgot everything about my eye, and became  _ just  _ a girl. A girl whose social status bumped up immediately because she was currently followed by a boy. 

Ab soch kar lagta hai ki tabhi usko wapas bhej dena chahiye thha. Lekin kya kare, crush thha woh mera, uske chakkar mei apne aap ke baare mei hi bhool gayi.

_ (In hindsight, I should have sent him back at that moment only. But alas, he was my crush. I forgot all about myself because I wasn’t  _ _ myself _ _ then.) _

Phir mauka aaya risk lene ka… Imagine Harsha Bhogle ki nervous commentary Tendulkar ke run out hone se pehle… Bahut tension ka mahaul thha. Mummy khaane ke liye bula rahi thhi. Maine Akash ko bola ki aadhe ghante ke liye wait karne, aur phir aage ka plan socha. Aadha ghanta toh pata nahi kaise beet gaya. Saare log busy thhe, aur mai Akash ko chupke se terrace par le gayi.

_ (Then the time came to take a risk… Imagine Harsha Bhogle’s commentary just before Tendulkar’s run out. Lots of tension. Mummy called me to have lunch. I told Akash to wait for half an hour, then thought about the rest of the plan. Half an hour passed in the blink of an eye. Everyone was busy, seeing my chance I took Akash to the terrace discreetly.) _

I was about to kiss Akash on the terrace! Yes, the one eyed girl actually got a boyfriend. I had made so many plans that we would marry, me in a red ghagra and him in a snow white sherwani. When he came close, I only had pleasant shivers running down my spine. Goosebumps appeared over my cheek and neck… Simran waali feeling thhi ‘Jee le apni zindagi’, bas yahi dimaag mei chal raha thha. Mann mei shaadi ke ghode (ghodiyan?) daud rahe thhe.

_ (I felt like Simran, and had ‘live your own life’ hammering in my head all this while. I was sent on epic flights of fancy, which involved horses (mares?) and marriage.) _

He kissed my cheek. I don’t know what happened after that. I took my goggles off and saw a look of horror on his face. Then everything happened in slow motion. He opened his mouth to scream, and I pushed him off the terrace. 

I heard a dull thump, and the very next moment Akash was on the terrace floor, curled into a spiral like a dead millipede, his shiny black shoes scarily reminiscent of one.

Then the whole household erupted into chaos. I honestly don’t remember what happened exactly for the next four hours. Mummy screamed, taiji screamed, Aman was watching from the side, tauji came rushing from his lab and he took Akash to the hospital.

Pata nahi uska kya hoga.

_ (I don’t know what will happen to him.) _

Mummy hit me with a  _ chappal _ after tauji came back from the hospital. I might have bruises tomorrow. My alien eye grew larger and colder in its socket, until it wasn’t a part of me anymore. Just some unsightly luggage. Like tauji’s ugly leather briefcase.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t find Aman. Normally that insect wouldn’t let go of  _ any _ chance to gloat at me after taking a hit from mummy. 

I had said sorry countless times. Sometimes shouting, wincing, crying while saying that word but does it matter? Saying ‘sorry’ doesn’t really change the number of hits I was supposed to take until mummy felt considerably satisfied. My bruises are purple now, from a slight pinkish red in the afternoon.

After the whole household cooled down a little, I went looking for Aman. His absence was ominous. Usually he would witness every fight silently, back stuck to the doorframe of his room.

Aman’s room was locked. I knocked on the door quite a few times demanding entry. I know I didn’t have a reason to seek him out, but something worried me.

His diary was kept on the study table, that one which nobody is supposed to read. He must have been writing in it, for it to be kept on the study table.

“Kya hua, Goggle?” He asked. His voice was trembling, as if he’d been crying. 

_ (What happened, Goggle?) _

I already have problems of my own, aur yahan par yeh  _ ladka  _ roh raha thha. Kya karun? Lagta hai purey saal ka drama aaj hi ko hona thha.

_ (I already have problems of my own, and this  _ boy _ is crying here. What the hell was I supposed to do, huh? As if the entire year’s worth of drama came crashing down on this very day.) _

He sat down on the table, looking  _ very _ conflicted. Bhai ke aankhon ke peeche lagta hai toofan aaya thha, aur usi ke chakkar me aansoo bhi halke se baras aaye.

_ (As if Aman had a storm that ravaged behind his eyes, and tears as rain dropped softly from them as a result.) _

I was curious. Something was definitely bothering him. And he had the audacity to ask  _ me _ what was wrong. Mera toh dimaag kharab ho gaya bhaisaab. After that I’ll tell you word-by-word what our conversation was like. 

_ (I got pissed, I swear.) _

“ _ Tumhe _ kya hua, Aman?”

_ (What’s wrong with  _ you,  _ Aman?) _

“Arre kuch nahi hua, tum jao. Akash ko toh chhat se gira hi diya hai, mere baare me jaan kar  _ mera _ kya karogi, huh?” He said, incensed.

_ (Nothing happened to me, you be off. You’ve already pushed Akash off the terrace, what will you ever do after knowing about  _ me _ , huh _ ?)

“Topic mat badlo. Woh accident thha. Kuch  _ nahi  _ hua isiliye teri aankhon se Ganga-Jamuna-Saraswati beh rahein hai, na?” 

_(Don’t change the topic of discussion._ ** _Nothing_** _happened, that’s why you have the Niagara falls running down your eyes, right?)_

(Uh, on second thought, I shouldn’t have been so vicious.)

“Abey yaar  _ thhak  _ chuka hoon tere taano se. Mai gay hoon.” Aman spat the first part of the sentence out, then immediately his tear-stained eyes became a mile wide as if he saw a ghost. 

_ (Holy shit, I’m fucking tired of your taunts, okay? I am gay.) _

My brain stopped working for a whole minute after those words. Duniya ludhak kar gir gayi yaar. Aise kaise ho sakta hai?

_ (The world backflipped and crashed around me. How does this happen?) _

In that moment, Aman held his head in his hands, as if regretting a terrible mistake. He shuffled, and that was enough to restart my thought process.

“Tum ladke ho ya ladki? ID card par kya likhte ho? Yeh sabko kya ho gaya hai bey,  _ mujhe _ hi yeh sab tumhare muh se sunna thha…” I walked away from his room into mine.

_ (Are you a boy or a girl, huh? What’s there on your ID? What is wrong with everyone, only  _ **_I_ ** _ had to listen to these words from your mouth…?) _

I rushed into my room and locked the door. I crumpled onto the floor, processing the entire event. First Akash and now Aman. I don’t know what ‘gay’ is. Is ‘gay’ those people, who dress like girls and are shown with limp wrists and weird background music, in films? 

Lekin agar Aman ko school me kisi ne ‘meetha’ bulaya na, uski toh main taangein todne waali hoon. I stared at a nice fat bruise on my thigh.

_ (I swear to god, if someone bullies Aman in school, I’m going to break their shin bones.) _

Dinner time arrived silently. I was on everybody’s shit list because of what happened with Akash. I ate my dinner, cowering in front of Papa and tauji. They scolded me quite a bit, but I don’t remember those words now. 

Aman’s face was even more downcast than mine. It was the rule of us three cousins to stick together during dinner time, especially when one of us was on the ‘black list’.

Lagta hai usko bahut bura laga, jo bhi maine usey bola. Usko sorry bolun kya? Waise hi Akash ke wajah se mood kharab thha, Aman ne bomb gira diya. Utna harshly behave nahi karna chahiye thha. Kal sorry bolungi. Dekhte hai, shaayad uska mood theek ho jaaye. Abhi toh main bahut tired hoon.

_ (I think he felt really bad after whatever I said. Should I say sorry? I was feeling so bad myself, then immediately Aman had to drop a bomb like that. Shouldn’t have talked to him so harshly. I’ll try apologising to him tomorrow, maybe his mood will improve somewhat. I’m really tired now.) _

  
  


_ … _

  
  


_ Rajni _

_ 5th September 2018 _

Dear diary likhne ki umar toh chali gayi hai lekin old habits die hard.

_ (I should have outgrown my ‘dear diary’ phase but old habits die hard.) _

Today I saw two men getting married. Albeit after an impromptu game of kabaddi featuring a guy in a sari versus the whole Tripathi  _ khandaan. _

Kartik said, “Inn logon ke paas koi example nahi hai.”

_ (Kartik said, “These people don’t have an example to relate to.”) _

Aman said, “Misaal banega, Tripathi parivaar ka yeh ladka.” With equal ferocity.

_ (Aman said, “This guy is going to  _ **_become_ ** _ the example.) _

This time, it was my turn to watch them, with my back stuck to the doorframe. I saw Aman looking at Kartik with  _ pure love  _ in his eyes. The pandit did not agree to read the marriage vows, then Kartik burst out with ‘yeh dosti hum nahi todenge’, with Aman’s wavering voice supporting him. 

Then I knew that Aman really cared for Kartik. It was  _ hard _ to get a song out of him, even when taiji used to pester him to sing in front of guests. 

I had doubts about Kartik. I hated him with all my guts when he broke up my marriage with Ashok, even though Aman had kissed him. I guess the rules of  _ hatred _ follow the rules of  _ blood _ . 

Remember how I was utterly distressed only a week ago? When Ashok broke off the marriage? I was about to kill myself on the train overbridge but Kartik stopped me. I mean, the marriage was doomed from the beginning, but the evening on the railway overbridge brought  _ clarity  _ to the matter.

“Shaadi nahi hai, antibiotic ka course hai ki sabko complete karna hai.” 

_ (As if it’s not a marriage but a freaking dosage of antibiotics that everyone has to complete the course)  _

I realised that I was about to marry Ashok not because I wanted to, but I  _ needed  _ to. I don’t want to dwell on this matter further.

I saw the love in Aman’s and Kartik’s eyes. If nothing about their relationship is real in society’s eyes, I can vouch for the fact that their love is. Kartik snuggled onto Aman’s chest for a brief second in the  _ kalyan mandap _ . Aman looked at him as if he was all the reassurance and warmth he could ever hope for.

Kartik ko Aman ke liye chand-taare todh kar laane ki zarurat nahi, woh khud hi Aman ka chand, taara, sab kuch hai.

_ (Kartik doesn’t need to gift Aman the moon or the stars, he is himself Aman’s moon, star, everything.) _

Lucky are those people who find the love they give so desperately to the world in somebody else. 

Regarding my situation, I’ll think I’ll let this matter rest for a few years. The best words to say right now would be ‘I don’t know’.

Aman and Kartik’s marriage reminded me of that time when Aman came out to me by mistake. I still regret not being there for him. I don’t remember what happened that day exactly. I remember rushing to my room, breathing heavily and locking the door. 

But I know, Aman would remember those few minutes clear as daylight. I’ve been bullied enough times because of my eye to know this.

After that day, Aman suddenly became afraid of me, as if I’d out him to the family. He hasn’t been over that ever since, and we drifted apart as siblings.

I still didn’t apologise for what I has said to him when he came out to me, over a decade ago.

I did not out him to the family, despite having more than enough chances over the past twelve years. I know I’m a rather vengeful person, and Aman feared that I would take revenge in this manner.

Now I think I did not out him, not because of any personal loyalty to Aman, but because the shame that those three words carried was far too much for me to even consider bringing those words on my lips, and handing those shame-blanketed words to tauji and taiji. 

I can only imagine Aman’s plight if he had been outed. Tauji toh Aman ka naam badalne waale thhey, uska nature kya khaak badalta? 

_ (Shankar was about to change Aman’s name, how in hell’s name could he have changed his nature?) _

I have unlearnt a lot over the past few years, ever since I knew about Aman. If only I could be as close with him, as siblings once again. 

Aman let go of his shame and laid his secrets out in the open with Kartik today, I think I should do the same. He’s the example after all. 

But for now I think the happily married couple are celebrating their  _ suhaag raat.  _ A shiver of disgust passed down my spine at the thought of Aman (your goddamn  _ brother,  _ in case you forgot, Rajni!) engaging in those activities.

Whatever be the Supreme Court’s ruling tomorrow, I know I am going to stand with Aman and Kartik. 

…

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> How did you like it? I did depart a little from my usual style of storytelling. A little too much 'telling' happened and not much 'showing' haha.  
> But I'll say, diary entries do give a lot of room for a person to explain themselves. It pained me a lot while writing the first diary entry. Though don't plug Rajni's behaviour down to 'homophobia', okay? It's ignorance more than anything else.  
> Have a good day/night!  
> Kudos and comments make my day!  
> -Advaita


End file.
